Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Like Catching Falling Stars

"I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till I drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion." 

(Kerouac, On the Road, Part 2, Ch.4)


     This quote will always creep back into my mind whenever I really sit back and think about my life.  If I had to choose what I could have on my tombstone, I'd probably go with this.  When left alone to wander, my mind just jumps from topic to topic and from idea to idea like a man trying to catch all the shooting stars in a meteor shower.   The possibilities are endless as far as which direction I could take my life in right now.  
     My interests are so varied, and often flaky, that I eventually am rendered stagnant with thought.  


Here's a short list of things I would love to do:


1. Go back to school.  I think I would sell my soul for the money to afford grad school. The only problem is that anything I would want to study is probably not going to yield much job potential, other than teacher, or maybe professor if I do really well.  For example, I'd kill to know everything about philosophy.  I've been catching myself imagining myself studying Nietzsche in the original German, in Germany. Or studying anthropology and participating in an archaeological dig.  


2. Be in the place in my life I am right now without getting any older.  I love my job.  Passionately.  I love my students. Immensely.  The thought of not being able to go to a job and spend my day with people I love so dearly is terrifying.  But, nonetheless, I am getting older.  My students eventually leave.  My list of people I miss grows longer every month.  And they go on and build amazing lives for themselves.  It's beautiful.  But, when will it get to be too much?  When will I become unable to relate, communicate with students?  I feel like the momentum I've built through the last year or so has to come to a screeching halt eventually.  But it's painful to imagine any other way.  


3. Spend a few months completely isolated.  Preferably in Iceland.  In the wild, with nothing and nobody around but myself and nature.  Now, if you know me, this must sound bizarre.  I am not a nature girl.  But for some reason I'm having some sort of brain/personality pregnancy worthy cravings going on.  Like something is growing in there and making me want to do things I normally wouldn't.  Is it just that I'm 'growing up'?  










I have much more to say...but I seem to be without words...

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