Like Catching Falling Stars

"I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till I drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion." 

(Kerouac, On the Road, Part 2, Ch.4)


     This quote will always creep back into my mind whenever I really sit back and think about my life.  If I had to choose what I could have on my tombstone, I'd probably go with this.  When left alone to wander, my mind just jumps from topic to topic and from idea to idea like a man trying to catch all the shooting stars in a meteor shower.   The possibilities are endless as far as which direction I could take my life in right now.  
     My interests are so varied, and often flaky, that I eventually am rendered stagnant with thought.  


Here's a short list of things I would love to do:


1. Go back to school.  I think I would sell my soul for the money to afford grad school. The only problem is that anything I would want to study is probably not going to yield much job potential, other than teacher, or maybe professor if I do really well.  For example, I'd kill to know everything about philosophy.  I've been catching myself imagining myself studying Nietzsche in the original German, in Germany. Or studying anthropology and participating in an archaeological dig.  


2. Be in the place in my life I am right now without getting any older.  I love my job.  Passionately.  I love my students. Immensely.  The thought of not being able to go to a job and spend my day with people I love so dearly is terrifying.  But, nonetheless, I am getting older.  My students eventually leave.  My list of people I miss grows longer every month.  And they go on and build amazing lives for themselves.  It's beautiful.  But, when will it get to be too much?  When will I become unable to relate, communicate with students?  I feel like the momentum I've built through the last year or so has to come to a screeching halt eventually.  But it's painful to imagine any other way.  


3. Spend a few months completely isolated.  Preferably in Iceland.  In the wild, with nothing and nobody around but myself and nature.  Now, if you know me, this must sound bizarre.  I am not a nature girl.  But for some reason I'm having some sort of brain/personality pregnancy worthy cravings going on.  Like something is growing in there and making me want to do things I normally wouldn't.  Is it just that I'm 'growing up'?  










I have much more to say...but I seem to be without words...

I'm back

     I haven't written a blog entry in nearly two months.  It's not that I haven't wanted to, it's more than I've been unable to.  My inability is not due to a lack of anything to say.  On the contrary, I have too much to say.  The truth is, however, that I'm afraid to say it.  There are too many people that could potentially be hurt by what's going on in my head.  Additionally, there are too many people who would be more than willing to judge.
     If there's one thing in life I can't stand, it's people who are judgmental.  Everyone's life is unique and different.  I believe in free will.  We've had it from the beginning of time; why do you think Adam chose to eat from the tree of knowledge?  I must admit that I don't always make the best decisions.  However, I am aware of the difference between right and wrong, honesty and dishonesty, etc.  Therefore, when I make what some would say is a "bad" decision, it's usually for some purpose, usually for the sake of experimentation.
     Certain people in my life constantly try to advise me on how to "solve" certain issues in my life.  They usually are offended or upset when I don't follow this advice.  Even when I ask for advice, however, I'm not always doing so with the intention of following it.  Occasionally I just want someone else's opinion.  Sometimes I just want to see how making the "incorrect" choice will affect myself and the person or people involved.  Seeing the way it affects me is part of a mission I've been on for some time now.  That mission is to discover who I truly am.  I know that many times I'm simply too nice.  I seem to have convinced myself that by not being so nice, I can recreate myself and be happier.  This is not only the case.
     Nevertheless, I've been experimenting more and more with different solutions to different life problems.  I wish I could be more specific, but herein lies the problem with a blog: it's too public.  To properly purge my brain of what's happening inside it I would have to get out my old friends, the pen and paper, and keep it all to myself.  Maybe when some time passes I'll be able to say what I want to say at the moment.  It's just a disappointment that time also changes perspective.
     As ambiguous as that was, this is my return to blogging.  Hopefully there will be more to come.