Now, about a month and a half ago a good friend of mine encouraged me to join an on-line dating site. I hate the thought of those, but she was persistent so I made a profile. I hardly filled the thing out at first, but after talking to a bunch of friends who had met their boyfriends/spouses on the internet I figured I'd go back, fill in the details and really give it a shot. There were a few guys who caught my eye with catchy messages but I continually found something wrong with them and chickened out. One man, however, really intrigued me. At first, it was his god-like looks that pulled me in, but after talking for about three weeks and being super cautious, I finally decided to meet him for coffee. In a public place that would be easy to escape in case he was actually a mutant or some kind of weirdo. But he wasn't. Coffee turned into a three and a half hour talk about everything from society to movies to God to life and everything in between. It was difficult to tear myself away to go to the dinner plans I had previously made with friends.
We saw each other again the next day. It started with a romantic afternoon in the park, followed by drinks. Everything seemed amazing. The two of us were like children. He couldn't stop gushing about how crazy he was about me, and I ate it all up. Every word out of his mouth was so sweet I just couldn't help but grin at every moment. He was so attentive and more importantly, was able to see right through all the fortifications I'd built up around my head and heart. This continued for a week straight. We texted constantly when we were apart and saw each other nearly every single day. He even joked about running away and getting married the third day in. He almost said the "L word" the second day but I stopped him. It was all too much, too fast, but it felt like a drug to me.
Then came that Friday. We had a really great night together, made breakfast in the morning, then parted ways to do some things we each had to do. The night before, he had logged into his online dating account to show me a funny message he received and hadn't logged out. After hanging out with my friends on Saturday I signed in to see mine but when I logged in his came up. I was about to log him out when I noticed an outgoing message to another girl. Not being the type to snoop, I didn't even want to see it, but my fingers got the best of me and I clicked on it. My heart dropped and I signed out immediately, not wanting to see anything else. Normally, this wouldn't bother me that much because for the last few months I'd been playing a couple guys at a time and not being the jealous girl I was years ago. But, just hours before he had asked me to be his girlfriend. Now, that's fucked up.
I collected myself and calmly called him to tell him about what I accidentally saw and he totally flipped but decided to come see me and talk about it anyways. Being a frantic mess, I started chugging wine and basically passed out as soon as he got there. This really didn't help anything. He left kind of angry in the morning and I went home to run some errands and get my mind off of it. We had quite a heated argument on Sunday and he said he never wanted to hear from me again, after insulting me more brutally than my ex ever had, and he was pretty damned bad. On Monday I asked if we could see each other and talk it out. He said it wouldn't be that day because he was busy but maybe the next day.
After he flipped out on me on Sunday I got a bit panicky and decided to go to my doctor to get tested for any possible diseases he could have given me. Now, I know that I tend to get a little over dramatic about that sort of thing, but it occurred to me that maybe if he was actually a psycho, then all the other sweet and seemingly-perfect things about him could have been a lie, as well. I got a call the next day from my doctor. All my STD tests were clean, but I did have mono. I knew I hadn't been feeling that strong or healthy for a couple weeks but had been so love drunk that I totally ignored it. I texted him to tell him just in case he wasn't feeling well. He had an interview in town that day and I asked him to come over after and talk like adults. He declined and said that I was a "low-life piece of shit" and a "sneaky bitch."
I was crushed. Everything had been an accident. I thought I had done the right thing by being up-front and honest about it. If I really wanted, I could have even spun it around on him and blamed him for not logging out like anyone with common sense. But I didn't. He called me about two hours later like nothing happened. I stopped him and said, "Wait, two hours ago you never wanted to hear from me again." He said that he really liked me still and was willing to give it another shot if we slowed things down. I reminded him that he was the one who sped it along so quickly and just HAD to see me every single day. I also told him that his reaction the day before scared me a bit. I'd never heard someone so angry before. And trust me, I've pissed off quite a few people in my day. We left it with him telling me I could call him later if I wanted to and me thinking "pff, yeah right, psycho," but muttering a meek "ok."
Not even two more hours passed when I got another phone call. I answered hesitantly and heard an extremely angry voice on the other end. "You fucking psycho bitch, you messaged a bunch of girls on my account?!?!?" I was baffled. I didn't do it. This is MY blog, he can't read it, so I definitely have no reason to lie here. I would never ever ever do that sort of thing. Even when I was young and would look through my ex's facebook that was never my style. I was more of a call and read the messages they sent out loud sort. But it didn't matter what I said. He hung up on me and wouldn't stop sending harassing texts. I suggested he check his outbox, ask these people what had been said, insisted that I had really liked him and therefore wouldn't hit on girls for him, or, on the contrary, if the messages had been negative, wouldn't have done that then told him I had had access to his account. But logic clearly wasn't going to work on this maniac.
All I can say is I feel really bad for the next unsuspecting woman who falls for this guy. He really is a prince charming when he wants to be. But it's more like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde sort of deal. I've never seen anyone be so sweet, romantic and perfect than him, then turn so downright hateful and evil. Sure, it hurt for about a day, but I mean, we only dated for a week so I'm over it. The fact that I'm also scared shitless doesn't really help either.
But the biggest lesson I've learned is this: true love doesn't have to be a Hallmark card every day. It doesn't need constant compliments. The man I've had a very on-going and complicated off and on relationship with for a very long time was never very good with that stuff (well, not after the first week or so anyways), but, more importantly, after all the shit we've gone through he never said a single unkind word to me. I always expected too much. A few days into seeing that monster, this guy asked me to dinner and I declined and told him basically to get lost and that I'd found someone better. He was clearly crushed and acknowledged that he was taking things too slowly and showed regret for not making me happy. I soaked it up in some kind of selfish, sadistic glory. Only now have I realized that maybe taking it easy, not stomping on the gas and going into everything full speed ahead isn't the best idea. This person always cared. He may not have showed it verbally, but it was always made known. I do have mono, so I shouldn't be around people anyways, and I do need a rest from men for a while, but who knows, maybe now I know what to truly appreciate. Knights in shining armor don't exist, and the more romantic you can be the more psychotic you can be, too. I'll take a balance for now, thank you.
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