Alone Time

     I've been spending a lot of time alone lately.  I don't consider this a bad thing; in fact, I've been doing so by choice.  It's not that I don't have the option to see friends or that I've been really busy or anything like that, either.  In fact, I could absolutely waltz into the next room and place myself on the couch next to my roommates and act like a normal, social human being.  But, I just don't want to.
     It's not because I'm depressed, either.  In fact, today I'm in quite a good mood.  Perhaps I just enjoy my own company.  Also, my brain has been such a whirlwind of activity lately that it seems as if I'm not really alone at all.  No, I'm not schizophrenic.  I just have a lot to think about.  The last three nights have been almost the same.  Come home from work.  Change into pajamas. Find something to eat. Eat it. Get in my bed.  Read a book.  Check Facebook.  Continue to read a book.  Drink a beer while reading.  Fall asleep early.  This probably sounds lame and boring, but you know what?  If I had another option (which I could if I felt like picking up the phone or leaving my room) I would still choose this.  In fact, I'm going to do it again tonight.
     I'm probably being a bad friend.  I do this sort of thing semi-frequently.  Not that my friends' lives don't go on without me around (good thing because, especially lately, I'm not around that often), but I feel like I should be a bit more communicative than I have been.  I do want to see people, that's not the case, I guess I'm just too lazy to make plans, drive anywhere, put on nice clothes or talk to other people.  Yes, this last point sounds a bit harsh, but, it's the truth.  If someone needed to talk to me of course I would be there to listen.  I'm just not running to my phone to make all the calls that I probably should be making.
     The things that have been on my mind just aren't the sort of things I CAN really talk to anyone about.  I mean, I could try, but often times I don't feel like I can really relate to or communicate effectively with some people.  Take this example: so, I've been kind of dating someone for a couple months now.  He's a nice enough guy, not bad looking, pretty nice to me, etc.  But when I want to talk about my day, my classes, my students, or anything even remotely philosophical or intellectually challenging it's like talking to a wall.  This is one of a few reasons why this probably will never become a full-blown relationship.  Things are good, but honestly, I wouldn't exactly be devastated if I never saw him again.  I realize that most people aren't as in love with their jobs as I am, but you could at least fein interest when I'm telling you a story that I feel passionately about.  I understand that for many people teaching English to foreigners my age seems like a slightly odd occupation, but I just don't get it when my enthusiasm doesn't carry over to others.  And I'm not saying that I'm better than or intellectually above this person, or any other people who don't understand how amazing it feels to do what I do every day.  I'm just different.
     That is the truth: I am different.  Unique, if you will.  Once again, not better, just different.  Seriously, if I had to name my top five favorite topics to talk about they would probably be: Bjork, gender relations, existentialism/cosmology/ontology/almost anything ending in -ism or -logy, my students/job (even grammar...from a philosophical standpoint, of course) and then what I deem "normal stuff" like clothes, running, etc.  Not that there is anything wrong with "normal stuff," or celebrity gossip, popular TV shows, every little thing that happens in town (or on Facebook), sports, etc.  I can talk about all of those things but I need to really think deeply occasionally and not many people want to do that.  Again, I'm not being condescending, it's just the truth.  Actually, avoiding these topics may be the solution to leading a happier life.  Maybe if you aren't stuck thinking things like "well, if there's no Heaven and no God and therefore no reason for any of us to suffer, then why is anybody ever unhappy?" you can feel happier.  Asking questions you don't know the answer to can be quite frustrating.  Or, as I've been experiencing, it can be an interesting, relaxing (and simultaneously enervating, if that is possible), and quite useful.
     For example, I've been thinking a lot about my future lately.  Isn't it strange that when we're younger our future seems so certain and now that I'm an "adult," and I use that term loosely, I have no freakin' clue what the next stage is in my life.  (This topic will probably be another blog entry unto itself.)
     Another topic on my mind lately: being friendly, making friends, maintaining contacts with old friends, etc.  (I'll elaborate later.)
     Also, all the things I want and all the things I want to do.  Is it possible to be totally happy? To feel 100% fulfilled and accomplished?  What's the difference between contentment, happiness, and complacency?  But alas, I could go on and on about this (probably going to be another entry...see? The ideas just keep coming).
     Who needs conversation constantly when you've got all this on your mind?  Not that I won't attempt to do something fun once the weekend comes, but I'm pretty happy to be spending this Wednesday night, by myself, reading a book, happily.