Some people just can't be saved, and I have to stop trying. For the past three years I've been seeing the same man on and off, but I've finally had it. I have no regrets and I'm trying not to think of the last three years as a waste, but as a learning experience. It's a natural part of life that people come and go with regularity. Some leave before we are ready for them to, and others certainly overstay their welcome.
The beginning, and I mean the first month or so was great. I fell fast and hard for this person whom I had never expected to be attracted to. Soon he began playing the come and go game that he would continue to play with me for three years. I have always known that he did this because he has a lot of emotional issues. The particulars are not important, nor am I exactly sure of what all of them are. Whenever he disappeared it was because he was afaid of commitment. Once or twice in the first year it was because he met someone else, but I understood. That's not to say it didn't hurt. But his fears and emotional issues became something that I wanted to fix.
Something that always attracted me to him was his emotional vulnerability. At some point it became my mission to heal him. But I've also done plenty to hurt him and I know that, too. The first time was when I started sleeping with his best friend. I did it because I wanted to get a reaction out of him. I thought that perhaps if he could open up and show me some anger then we would become closer. When that didn't work, I decided that it was time to move on and try to see other men.
In the past year I've had two serious relationships and have wound up with him after both of them. I knew that he cared about me enough to be there for me when I was having problems, and was satisfied with that. For a long time I was upset that he never complimented me and was afraid to take any steps forward, but more recently I just told myself that that would never happen and I would have to regard his unspoken signs as enough.
But over the last year, or maybe more, but feelings for him have not been the same. Every time he came back, it inflated my ego, not my heart. I began to realize this about six months ago. At that point I had started dating someone else, but he called me out of the blue and said "I want to make this work." My reaction startled me. They were the words I had wanted to hear for years, but I wasn't ready to run back. I had only been seeing the new boy for about a month, but I knew that it would have been silly to run back to the same old guy who would probably just change his mind again a week later anyways. Actually, the reason I started dating this new guy was because of the old one. I had met him about a month and a half before actually going on a date with him, and the reason I went on that first date was because the old one bailed on me the night before.
It was my anger that led me to date my most recent boyfriend who also broke my heart. But this was different, he was everything the old one wasn't. But, again, when it ended this man was here for me. Not only was my heart still hurting over the boyfriend, but also I knew that things were different. When I spent time with him I could only think about my ex, but I figured that was normal. About a week or two ago when he started playing his usual games with me again I sat down and really thought about how I felt. I always felt guilty about hurting him and surprised that he always took me back. Part of me wondered if this was a quality that I should admire him for.
My time with him was like time spent working on a project. I had always tried to fix him, but this time I was trying to just accept him. One day I started to wonder why we always ended up back together, and the thought that maybe we were just meant to be together started to creep into my mind and it wasn't pleasant. Perhaps it was, I started to think, our shared insecurities that linked us together and that maybe I should just forget about the things that he lacked, and settle for someone who just silently cared.
Towards the beginning of this week I started to feel really frustrated again and I told him. "This is pointless, right?" I asked him. I expected his usually, "yeah, sorry," sort of response and was shocked when he said that he just wanted to take things slow, but had so much fun with me and wished he had more time. Although I was actually trying to end it, I was surprised and decided to just remain relaxed about the situation as I had been for some time. He was really good for the days that followed that. He tried very hard to get me to come over Thursday night and pointed out to me that he had been trying when I refrained. He asked me to go out Saturday and I told him that I wasn't sure and may have had plans but that I would let him know as soon as possible.
I ended up going to his house around 2:30 am on Friday and he was very sweet. I told him that my plans for Saturday fell through and asked him if he still wanted to go out as he had asked me. He said he'd let me know. Much to my surprise, when I checked back with him later he agreed to take me out for dinner. We set a time and I started getting ready before it. Although he never complimented me, I wanted to look extra nice because I had a feeling that maybe since his behavior had started to change, he would actually notice and say something.
But as the time for us to go out approached, I told him I was running a little late. He was out already and drunk. I asked if he was bailing on me. I was a little angry, but not that surprised, as this had happened before. He said he'd be about an hour later, so I waited. He said he was still drinking and I asked him if he thought that was wise, but he didn't respond, so I said, do whatever you want, just let me know because I'm hungry. But, he never stopped drinking, and never left where he was. I texted him after an hour and a half had passed and asked if he had left yet. I wouldn't have been so angry if he had simply said he didn't want to go out anymore, or if he had said no earlier. After he didn't respond for a few minutes I said I had had it. This was the last time he would do this to me.
After a little while he actually had the gall to tell me that I was expecting too much. I had already told him a few days earlier that I wasn't looking for anything and didn't know I felt. I was not pressuring him at all. I had even given him a chance to not take me out that night. I wasn't expecting anything except a piece of cheesecake, which was what I really wanted more than anything. His comment about taking it slow earlier in the week was still resonating in my memory. Years ago, this would have upset me because I wanted to be with him, but now it was simply the logic of saying that to somebody after three years that was irritating.
We've both put each other through a lot of shit over the last three years, but I felt that this was the first time he was intentionally trying to hurt me. Life is like a revolving door in that people come and go all the time. I've intentionally pushed a lot of friends through that door because I felt that had hurt me or disrespected me in one way or another, yet I had let this man remain for three years. Neither of us is at fault, but the time to push him through that door and then lock it has come. Any guilt I felt for possibly playing with his heart over the last few weeks ended. I didn't really know why I was giving this man, who the thought of spending the rest of my life with actually scared and depressed me more than that of being alone, another chance.
I was riding the most recent wave of his attention and was beginning to see if I had in fact taught an old dog a new tricked. It seemed as if I had for a couple of days at least. But last night was the last straw, and the way out that I had been looking for. I always cared about him and respected him, even if I had hurt him or he had hurt me in the past. I have never been so patient or understanding with any single human being and I worked very hard to be as understanding as possible. Whenever he needed me or wanted to see me, I usually went running. But it was only at times that were convenient to him. Nothing was ever done on my terms. I will no longer live like that. Last night I lost any remaining shred of sympathy or respect that I had for this person.
As I said, I don't regret the last three years because I have grown up a lot. When I met him I was naive and delicate, but I have learned so many lessons and become so much stronger because of him. Now is the time to close that chapter in my life and start fresh with what I have learned. I have to stop worrying about him. Hopefully he will learn from all this, too, and maybe actually settle down some day, but I have serious doubts. But, I give up on this project. It's futile. The more I try to help him, but more he puts me down. So, I'll start other projects. I'll keep writing my book, and hopefully find the strength to finish it. I certainly know he has given me plenty to write about, and maybe now that there is a clear end in sight, completing it will be easier.
To him I say: goodbye and good luck.
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