Am I a Bully?

     Am I a bully? 

     I have been thinking about this question a lot over the last couple of days.  It's not a thought that has crossed my mind ever before at any point in my life.  I'm a small, short girl who was picked on when she was younger, and I'm generally kind to everyone.  But recently I can't help but notice some changes in my behavior patterns. 

     Over the last five or so years I have changed significantly and matured an extraordinary amount.  I've been in a variety of relationships: two major, long-term relationships and several short term affairs of the heart or whatever you want to call them.  But titles are inconsequential.  What I'm driving at is that I've had my heart broken God-knows how many times by a whole bunch of guys.  At some point this winter I decided to set off on a quest to be more selfish.  By this I don't mean be mean to others intentionally, but to think more about what I want, what I need, and not simply cater to the wills or whims of other people in my life, particularly men who certainly do not or will not reciprocate this compassion or consideration.

     This quest to be selfish (or shall I say self-considerate?) has impacted my love life lately.  I've been single (or at least without a man whom I call my "boyfriend") for nearly two years now.  In that time I've mercuriously flitted back and forth between different men in an attempt to find a new boyfriend.  Only recently did I have the realization that in order to truly please myself, and act for the good of my future, feelings, etc. I really should be single. 

     For the last three months, approximately, I have been seeing or "talking to" one boy in particular.  I admit, he was not the usual type of guy that I am attracted to, both physically and personally. We really don't have a lot in common, but for the first time in my life I had a person who really made me feel confident, beautiful and intelligent.  Initially I ignored his lack of a college degree, heavy Boston accent, provincial speech, lack of interest in intellectual endeavors and different tastes in virtually everything. For the first time in years I felt adored and like nothing too demanding was asked of me. I was simply going along for the ride, not worrying about titles, our future, what he thought about me (or other girls).  I was just enjoying my time, and this unique situation in which I had freedom to do what I wanted but also had someone with whom I could spend tender moments with. 

     But, a couple weeks ago things started to change. The compliments began to dwindle in number and he started to get rather snappy with me.  I found that I was growing more and more irritated with him more and more often.  The grammar corrections I would make when he spoke in the beginning were made light-heartedly and in a playful manner.  But over the last couple of weeks they have become, totally unnoticed by me, somewhat malicious, snide, and simply unkind. 

     My last serious boyfriend was not smarter than me, yet he always had the ability to make me feel inferior.  If imbuing the feeling of inferiority on others were an art form, he would be Picasso or Da Vinci.  I always demonize him when describing him to others, but lately, I wonder if I'm imitating some of his behavior.  In all my previous relationships I am usually the one to follow orders, take shit and do what they want.  I still have to do the majority of the driving in this current situation, but he still does take more initiative to come to me when possible.  That's an improvement, I suppose.

     This guy might not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but nonetheless he made me feel appreciated (at the beginning at least).  So why have I been so mean?  Perhaps my ambition to be an independent, self-sufficient, worldly, sophisticated femme fatale-type of girl has made me cruel.  Maybe my quest to recognize and acknowledge my good qualities has transformed itself into a superiority complex.  This reaction, when combined with my lack of self-confidence might be what is leading me to be such a bully.  It sort of seems that way in this case, at least.  Of course, colloquial and proper English do have their differences, and I do recognize this, but it does genuinely irritate me when native speakers produce sentences like "Oh, he don't know nothing."  Of course, this should be "He doesn't know anything."  More and more Americans seem to be working to remove "doesn't" and "anything" from the English lexicon.  As an English teacher, I find this quite obnoxious.

     Of course I notice anytime someone makes a mistake like this, but I can usually ignore it in most people.  I understand that some people either received a poor education or simply aren't graceful with their words, but it still annoys me.  Particularly if I see an attractive guy and he begins to speak in this manner.  It's sort of like the reverse Adam Sandler effect.  A lot of women find him attractive because he's funny.  If he weren't a rich, successful, famous actor, he would not get girls like he does.  He's not attractive, but his sense of humor and personality make you change your mind (not for me, this effect works better on me with Jon Lajoie, who, by the way, is extremely underrated).  The reverse effect occurs, for me at least, when I see a good-looking guy who, the moment he opens his mouth, sounds like he should be living in the backwoods of the deep south (grammatically, not by accent).  I try to ignore it and just concentrate on the visual aspect of a person, but enough grammar errors, either in person or via text (wayyy more noticeable and wayyy more irritating) make their way into my eardrums and I want to cringe every time.

     I will probably expand on this specific topic at a later time.  The little things that really irritate me about men may possibly constitute enough material for an entire entry.  Well, almost.  I could combine with my list of really awkward or unusual things that attract me and make a pretty lengthy entry.

    But here is another example of a situation in which I may possibly have taken on the bully role.  And here I feel extra bad.  I have a student in one of my lower level classes who makes me want tear my hair out and make a run for it every time I see him.  Obviously I understand that every student has different skills, abilities and difficulties.  I also am able to filter nearly, according to level, which mistakes they should or should not be making.  So, when I judge, I promise you I am fair.  That has to be why I'm particularly scornful of my fellow Americans who speak no other language besides English (and show no interest in doing so, another thing that sort of irritates me, I mean, be a little open-minded, it won't kill you) and still manage to bastardize it.

     Despite struggling with the simple past, this guy thinks he knows English better than me.  For example, review this dialogue:

Student: Teacher, what mean "from"? Same "than"?
Me: No..."from" and "than"?  No, they're very different.
Student: No, I think same.
Me (smiling politely): No, they're different.
Student: I think "from" same "than."
Me: No, I promise you they are completely different. Trust me.
Student: You sure?

     Okay, now you try not being annoyed by that.  Compound the ludicrousness of that conversation with the fact that you've had to literally turn every page in his book for him while he blankly stared at what you wrote on the board fifteen minutes ago, then have to close the book to get him to pay attention to you while you're explaining something.  This attention at this moment is essential if you don't want to repeat your directions and instructions a second time to the one student who wasn't paying attention.  This bothers me, not just because I don't like to repeat myself, but also because it wastes the other students' time.

     Last session, by some miracle (or more likely in some kind of cheating or mathematical error in the teachers' correcting or something) he passed on to the next level.  I happen to be so lucky to have him now that he has conquered the simple past, future and how to form a question using "do."  The other students in the class move at an appropriate pace for the level and seem to understand everything new they learn quite easily.  Then there's this person.  It honestly takes him fifteen minutes longer to do everything than everybody else.  This is annoying to the others, but it's also destroying the pace of my class. I mean come on, it's the beginning of the third of four weeks and we're only half-way through the book.  Normally I'd be at least 80% finished by now.  It makes me nervous and I don't like it.

     Now, in my defense, this is something else that really bothers me.  And this example definitely ties in with my theory that I'm becoming a bully by recognizing and attempting to eradicate my inferiorities.  I'm a woman and sometimes, with very certain people, I feel that I am disrespected or presumed to be unintelligent by others just for being a woman.  And young, to boot.  So, after he called me over to his desk on Monday in order to tell, not ask, me to sharpen his pencil for him, "You sharpen pencil?" he says with that smug smile that makes me want to scream, I responded with "do you have legs?" As this was coming out of my mouth I realized this was probably not something I should be saying.  So, with the addition of a playful smile, I responded to his affirmative answer with "Well, then, you can walk over to the pencil sharpener and do it yourself."  He tried to tell me that he didn't know how it worked but I insisted it was a standard electric pencil sharpener and worked just like any other sharpener.  Just shove the pencil in the whole, hold for a few moments and magically you have a nice, sharp pencil point. Okay, so I didn't put it quite like that, but my response was good enough and I walked icily away.

     After this incident, I felt like I was King of the World.  But yesterday, when he asked me about a sentence created earlier using the pronoun "he" instead of the man's name used in the original question, I got noticeably bothered.  We had finished talking about this question at least ten minutes prior to the question.  Additionally, I was so dumbfounded that he was asking me this question (of course you can say "he" instead of the name!).  I'm not even sure what I said but immediately after a felt a strange feeling.  For a split-second I was proud once again, but then I thought to myself: "Who are you and what are you doing?"  Yes, I should be shocked when someone one third of the way through our program doesn't know this (or is asking just to show off or something), but should I really react that way?  Am I becoming a total bitch?  I have had issues with not being a strict enough in the teacher in the past, and I've found ways to insert my authority while still maintaing the sense of relate-ability that I think makes me (at least) a likable teacher, but am I finding some malevolent joy that may be signaling impending authoritarianism?  That's definitely not my style.





     I'll be quite honest.  Maybe this shouldn't bother me all that much.  I'm not really sure what the point in writing all this was.  And analyzing every thought I have tends to drive my self against myself.  But I'm still not sure.  Am I really changing?  What will the final outcome of this metamorphosis be?  Or am I just going through a mean phase?  Who knows.